First Kill
by FeatheredFiend
Summary: •'Ratchet, Ratchet', 'look at me', 'can you hear me'• SideswipeRatchetSunstreaker χPre-Movieχ


_Title: First Kill  
>Fandom: Transformers<br>Author: Feathered Fiend  
>Characters: Ratchet, Sideswipe, Sunstreaker<br>Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort/Romance  
>Rating: M<br>Status: One Shot, Complete  
>Disclaimer: I do not own.<br>Warning: AU Pre-Movie. This also contains Slash. Slightly out of character. Very... despressing._

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><p><em>"By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest."<em>

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><p>Servos trembled, his azure optics dimmed as they stared down at them—<em>so much Energon, so much death<em>. He felt as if he couldn't intake air properly, his processor flickering and fighting stasis lock. His broad shoulders shook and he felt like offlining all together. He heard something—_'Ratchet, Ratchet, Ratchet'_—but couldn't really focus. All he could see was the energon, his servos covered in it—_he offlined someone_. His tanks shifted painfully, he needed heave—_'Ratchet, Ratchet, Ratchet!'_—and offline. He needed too, he deserved to—_'Ratchet, Ratchet!'_

He felt someone grab his shoulder—_'Ratchet, Ratchet!'_—and spun him around—_'look at me!'_—but all he could see was the energon. Fingers moved under his chin, he felt his head being lifted and his trace broke. His optic sensors met that of another shade of azure—_worry, so much worry in them_. His body trembled as those optics searched his, the worry not leaving him—_'can you hear me?'_—and only grew with the silence. He felt arms wrap around him from behind, pushing him into the being in front of him.

He was held by another set of arms, sandwiched between two bodies—_ones he knew, ones that loved him_. His helm fell on a silver shoulder, a sob escaping his vocalizer—_because he killed someone, offlined them without another thought_. He could feel their gentle caresses, hear their reassuring words—_'it was not your fault, Ratch', 'you saved us'_—but it didn't stop the flow from his optics. He didn't want to be weak—_not around them_—but he couldn't stop, they didn't complain—_because it made their lover seem normal, because this was his first kill_.

None knew how long they stayed like that, holding onto the medic while he wept into one of his twins—_Sideswipe, to be exact_—but it didn't seem long enough. He claimed himself and just seemed to rest between the two—_because they made him feel safe, because they didn't hate him_. Their touches did not stop—_because they were afraid_—but they knew the silence couldn't last. The yellow twin spoke first—_'Ratchet,' he whispered_—and was surprised when the medic turned his head, stared with saddened azure optics.

"Sunstreaker," he mumbled—_because he was tired, because he wanted to leave this bloodied field_.

"Ratch," the other twin smiled meekly, "thought we lost you there for an astrosecond."

He didn't reply—_because he offlined someone, because he didn't deserve anything more then death_. The twins sensed this and sent a glance to one another—_speaking through their bonded sparks, like twins do_. The yellow one nodded slowly, the red one meekly smiled while stroking the helm of their lover. The deal was set in that moment, the one behind the medic slowly pulled him back—_because they needed to fix this, they couldn't lose the only one to care about them_.

"Ratchet, it's not your fault," the yellow twin whispered against his lover's neck. "He was going to kill Sideswipe and I, you were protecting us."

"He's right, Ratch'," the red one—_Sideswipe_—added quickly while taking the medic's servos in his. Metal rubbed against metal, he gave a reassuring smile—_because that was what the sandwiched mech needed_. "If you hadn't attacked, we'd be dead."

"I'm a **killer**," he mumbled and looked away. "I'm supposed to **save** lives, not **take** them…"

"You're a hero," Sunstreaker responded swiftly.

Sideswipe added, "You saved **our** lives."

There was silence—_because he knew they were right, because he didn't want to admit, because he was scared_. They sensed it and took action, beginning to nuzzle and coddle the medic. Sunstreaker even murmuring _'I love you'_s to him, something that the frontliner hardly ever did. Slowly, the medic relaxed against the two and offlined his optics. They took this as a good sign—_which it was in this situation, with this mech_.

"Let's get you back," Sunstreaker spoke gently. Ratchet onlined his optics and stared at the twins, observing them with saddened expressions. "We'll get you cleaned up."

Sideswipe nodded in agreement, "and get you to recharge, you need it."

Ratchet only nodded and allowed them to help him up, leading him to one of the ships that lined the battlefield. They kept his optics switching between them—_away from the corpses, away from his servos_—and attempted to please him—_by teasing each other and telling stories_. He played along—_forcing smiles and soft looks, nodding once in awhile_—and they knew it. They also knew that in due time, he would be back to normal—_because that was how first kills go, because he had them to remind him, to love him_.

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><p>.Author's Note.<p>

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><p>I don't know, I was sitting here working on another one shot for RatchetStarscream and for some reason, this came out of it. It's unbeta'ed, so I'm sorry for mistakes. I basically got to thinking; Ratchet is a medic, his first kill in the war must have been painful for him. The first paragraph was written. Then I thought 'why the hell would he kill someone?' Sunny and Sides being in danger seemed like a good idea. Then everything else fell in place.

Hope everyone enjoyed this little piece. It's short, I know, but it was a plot bunny that kept nipping. Reviews would be nice, flames will be used to roast hot dogs over. ;]


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